there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
