Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
