Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
