a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
