You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
