Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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