Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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