If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The ass gains better be worth it
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