i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
