I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Someone signed my nipple.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
