Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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