i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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