true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
