i was rollin on her like bob the builder
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
