Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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