No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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