What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
