you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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