so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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