thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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