A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
