You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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