last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
