Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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