if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
