I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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