she woke up with a sticky ear
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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