so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
