my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
