can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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