dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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