The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The power of my boobs compel you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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