I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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