Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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