Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
