Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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