Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
