i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
