He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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