you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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