DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
