Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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