When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
