I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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