I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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