Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
