all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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