im six kinds of drunk right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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