If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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