Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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