call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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