The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
