She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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