Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
