coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
