She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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