i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
