Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
